In deep silence
the warmest words are uttered,
but in frustration the heart is easily cluttered.
Living in vain.
You seek out the sweetest words,
but not just any old cliché you've heard.
Think, breathe.
It won't flow from your lips.
Look in those eyes right before the boat tips.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
It's a little short....
But the words are good.
Again, the tone and the rhythm was great, its just that there wasn't a lot there if you get my meaning. Its a bit flat. The emotive language wasn't there either, but I like your style, great!
Keep writing!
~D'Aedomir~
I agree, I enjoyed the rhythm of this piece, especially the last line, but to me I just wasn't gripped enough to be left wanting more. Perhaps develop a couple of the issues raised to really bulk out the poem?
Good work though, I definately couldnt have done better.
Eimear
Nice rhythm and tone, I really felt it. I did think it was a bit empty - it was hard to cling onto your meaning because there wasn't any meaty subject or emotion or character in there, but you do have a strong voice and that does help.
That seemed kind of awkward and even contradictory to me.
Well, I really liked the last line, probably most. So nice work.